Top Ten List of The Things David Letterman’s Thinking Today, After His Retirement

Number 10: Holy moley, these are harder to write all by yourself. There’s ten of these things to write! Someone get Chris Elliot or Will Forte on the phone!

Number 9: I wonder how Drew Barrymore’s grapefruits held up. She’s 40 now. Boobs get weird after 40. I bet she’s okay, though. Madonna, though…*shudder*

Number 8: I miss Teri Garr. And Bud. And that coffee machine in the old NBC building. I tried to get a coffee machine as good as that in CBS, but for some reason, no matter what I tried, the coffee just tasted off in the Sullivan theatre. Must have been the water. Or the rats.

Number 7: Is my son happy? He didn’t look really comfortable last night. I hated dragging him onto that, but you only do that last show once. It’s like that Daffy Duck routine. Once.

Number 6: OK, gotta buy some pencils- wait, how much are #2 Ticonderogas at Office Max? Holy crap, FIVE bucks a box. No wonder GE never liked me, throwing those things around. Good thing I left before Comcast bought NBC. Comcast would probably have me make my own pencils. Just drop me off in the Appalachian mountains with an axe and cut down my own trees. I don’t even know how you get graphite. I wonder if my assistant can find out- oh wait, I don’t have an assistant anymore. Or Paul.

Number 5: Why did I get rid of Paul? I had the best band in the world to my right. Now I have to use Beats music on my iPhone. It sucks, but the wife likes it…BEATS. (pause) BEATS. I could have gotten 30 seconds out of just saying BEATS slowly on Tuesday. Never again.

Number 4: I’m bored. Maybe I should start a YouTube channel. Isn’t that what the kids do today? YouTube. YouTubing. Tooby Tubing. Ruby Tuby Fresh and Fruby. (pause) BEATS. Heh HAH!… Maybe I’ll go bowling.

Number 3: What if I made a mistake? Why did I give up my show? You can’t give up a show! Look at Johnny- gave up his show, and that was it for him. All he did was sail. Which is great, if you like sailing. I don’t like sailing. You know what I like? HOSTING MY OWN SHOW! And I gave it up! I fought so hard to get it! I battled Leno and NBC and CBS to get this thing, and 22 years later, I got rid of it like an 89 Chevy…Chevy…something! Oh God, that’s my fate. I’m an old Chevy. I’m old Chevy. I’m going to be like Chevy Chase- I’m going to die a showbiz death, alone, unmourned, unloved…why? Maybe I can get it back. Maybe Colbert didn’t sign the papers. Where’s Les’s phone number?

Number 2: Hoo boy, that was a humdinger of a panic attack. I’m glad I retired. No one really cares about doing a show. They just want to go viral for the next day. They’re good, but it’s not like the old days. No one’s weird anymore, not like I was, or Andy, or Bill Murray is today (man, he looks good). I was weird for so long, I made weird mainstream. That’s just who I was. That’s a good legacy. And I walked out on my own terms. They didn’t carry me out. I walked out with the Foo Fighters blaring.

And the Number 1 Thing David Letterman Is Thinking Today is…ah screw it, I’m done. Honey, can you make me a sandwich?

David Letterman had nothing to do this. Blame Glenn Walker for telling me to post it after I emailed him. Oh, and I loved the old HBO movie The Late Shift. Watched that thing over and over again.

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